DECODING MENTAL HEALTH: THE PANDEMIC VERSION

Here’s a quick story of my father battling Covid, before I begin talking about Mental Health. I do not know how short it’s gonna be, but I’m gonna keep it as crisp as possible.

On 10th Oct, 2020 my father was tested positive for Covid-19. It wasn’t as severe as we have seen others suffer so we decided to keep him in isolation in our guest room. As my mother is a Nurse who actively worked on and off on many covid cases, she knew all the procedures required to make anyone feel better. And at that time the vaccines weren't ready yet, so hospitals used the usual medicines for treatment. My father is a very stubborn person by nature, he didn’t want to stay in the hospital ward. So we all collectively decided to keep him home, isolated. Also home quarantine was something many infected people opted for. After a couple of days his body temperature started rising, we fed him the medicines as prescribed and even injected a bottle of saline at midnight at home. On the very next day, his health started deteriorating. We immediately rushed him to the hospital where my mother works, Central Hospital Maligaon, Guwahati. Fortunately due to having connections with the senior doctors at the hospital my father was immediately rushed to the ICU. He was under observation for 24 hours. But the next day one of the doctors who was working in Covid Ward referred my father to GNRC Medical, Amingaon. Stating that it will be quite risky to keep him here for long.

I was there with my mother when he was being shifted to a different hospital. We immediately rushed him to GNRC, in an ambulance. It was my first time stepping inside an ambulance. It’s frightening and scary. My father sat right in front of me with an oxygen mask up on his face. At that moment inside the ambulance I heard nothing but the siren of the ambulance. When the ambulance rushes through chaotic and busy streets, the eyes of pedestrians are on you. I do not remember how I felt at that moment or did I even feel anything? My brain blocked all the emotions and tapped out only the adrenaline. I carried all the essentials and documentation required for the admission with me all the time. I was making calls to my relatives and father’s colleagues, informing them about us being at the hospital. After all the hassle he was finally shifted inside and his treatment began. My body began to ache, I was tired and drenched in sweat. As we had to walk up and down to the 5th floor several times.

One of my aunts called me, when I received the call; I wasn’t able to even utter a single word. I immediately passed my phone to my mother and let her do the talking. Until then I was so busy in fulfilling all the necessities of the hospital required to begin the treatment, I didn't knew what would happen if something went wrong. Suddenly my mind hit me with the thought of living a life ahead without a father. And that’s when the first tear rolled down my cheeks. It took me a while to calm myself down. After a couple of hours one of my cousins showed up at the hospital to be there with us. My mother and cousin decided to stay overnight at the hospital. I returned back home. I freshened myself and immediately laid down on my bed. The relief, stress and tiredness flooded inside, disappeared. After many days of treatment he was tested negative, but they didn’t discharge him for another 3 days. Then he returned home after triumphing covid. It’s been almost 8 months and he is making progress to normal after suffering from post covid complications.

My thoughts on Mental Health during Pandemic
Waking up in total oblivion isn’t a possibility anymore. We’re flooded by the evil tidings. My mind takes endless runs trying to scream and escape the chaos inside. We are all drowning into the ocean of loss, grief and despair. Unable to fathom the grasp of the situation. The stigma of anxiety and apprehension has always been a part throughout my whole childhood. And during this time of crisis, the levels have only peaked. Failing to express myself from beneath got nothing but vague acknowledgement from others. To the point where I start questioning my own sanity, doubting my beliefs and trying to make sense from the most nonsensical occurrences in the surroundings.

We all lost someone; a guardian, a friend, a neighbour and an acquaintance. Witnessing them turn cold in front of our eyes rushed an immense amount of emotions and feelings inside us. To the point where due to the extremely hectic arrangement of cremation or burying, we couldn’t even bid a farewell to them or get a glance through their lifeless faces. Due to the constraints and orders from the authorities, it is quite burdensome to meet someone physically. Especially in these times when you need a shoulder to cry upon, a hug to loose upon and a hand to hold on.

Who do we blame for the loss? What could I’ve done? How long will I need to bear this?These are some of the questions that I've been trying to find answers to. Little did I know, chasing the retort gave nothing but more anger, more instability and insaneness. Living within the four walls for so long, craving for human interaction, suffocating in the chaos, unable to cope with loss and grief made me impatient and restless. I avoided any human contact physically and mentally. The endless scrolling of aimless social media consumed the little leftover inside me.

Fortunately, due to the existence of few people in my life. It wasn't as tough for me as others. As I do not seek any answers anymore. I want someone to just listen and give me the genuine and worthy validation that I want. Before soliciting solutions, the questions need to be addressed first in any circumstances. Writing has immensely helped me to declutter my mind and understand my thought process. This year I started blogging. And I can proudly say that I made some progress, it’s definitely minimal. But, I made it till here. I would like to shamelessly share a few of my small achievements. Published one of my articles on The Assam Tribune and even participated in a writing competition organised by VIT. Now, I have realized; life is a sequence of parables. At one point you’ll be at the deepest trench but the future definitely seems golden. So, just hang on.